[This post is catharsis. I've wasted a great deal of time getting a simple answer out of AT&T, which requires getting through their automated service, the blind, stupid, snarling watchdog preventing you from easily speaking to a person.]
--Hello, and welcome to Heaven! Due to the recent volume of souls passing through the Pearly Gates, we have implemented this automated system to help you reach your final rewards more quickly.
--Please speak clearly, and tell me why you're here. For example, you might say, "I'd like to apply for our Eternal Bliss Plus program."
I've just finished 700 years in Purgatory, and I'd like to be admitted to Heaven.
--I'm sorry, but I couldn't understand what you said. Could you repeat it, using as few words as possible?
Purgatory. Finished. Enter. Heaven. Now.
--I think you said, "I need to spend some time in Purgatory before entering Heaven." Is that what you need?
No. I'm done in Purgatory.
--I'll send you now to Purgatory. Is that correct?
--I'm sorry, I didn't understand what you said. Let's try this. If you want to apply for our Eternal Bliss Plus program, press or say Aleph. If you have questions about the Friends and Family program in Heaven, press or say Beth. If you'd like to trade in your Good Deeds Credits for products and services in Heaven, press or say Gimel. If you think that you were sent to Heaven by mistake, and need to be transferred to Hell, press or say Daleth.
None of these options help me. I need to talk to someone about getting out of Purgatory. PUR-GA-TOR-EE.
--I'll send you now to Purgatory.